Where can I find someone?


Jim Green is a Writer and Relationship Coach in Sydney

When I speak before singles groups, that is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. "Where do I find someone to have a committed relationship with?"

Sometimes people don’t like the answer that I give though. You see, in order to answer that question each person needs to be able to answer some other questions about their life. 

Let me illustrate what I mean. For this example let’s say the ‘Jane’ is going out to one of her favorite spots that she frequents and is in the company of some of her friends. While there she spots someone (we’ll call him Tom) who at the same time sees her and they both feel that there is a ‘connection’ between them. She is drawn to him for any one of a number of reasons. It could be his voice, his body, maybe she saw the kind of car he drove; maybe he dresses very well (for a guy). In similar fashion, he is attracted to her. Now lets say that this chance meeting develops into something more and they start seeing one another on a regular basis.

Over the next few months, both Jane and her new found friend seem to be infatuated with each other, but as time goes on they begin to develop signs of being irritated with habits and idiosyncrasies of one another. The newness of the relationship has worn off and now they can see things in a different light. In the beginning her friends told her that he wasn’t the right guy for her, but she was seeing him through a different set of eyes. Eventually they break off the relationship and both are disillusioned with the whole process of dating and the singles scene and now it will take some time before they are willing to risk dating someone else. All that time, energy and emotional investment has been lost.

So back to my original point. Jane needs to know the answers to some questions in order to ‘find that special someone’. She needs to know who she is and what and who she wants to have in her life. She needs to know what she sees as the vision for her life and what she wants to include in it. She also needs to have an ironclad picture of what her requirements are that need to be present in the person she wants to have the committed relationship with. Requirements can be defined here as those things that will make or break a relationship.

If, for instance, one of the reasons that Jane and Tom broke up was due to excessive drinking, than that would be one of Jane’s requirements- her partner would need to not have a drinking problem. If requirements are not met, the relationship can fail. That is how we know if something is a ‘requirement’ or not. When asking herself these questions, she now can look and see what her life’s values and purpose are. She will discover what kinds of activities and interest’s best bring out what she is passionate about.

Maybe, in this case, she has a fondness for small children and is passionate about being around them and caring for them. Perhaps one of the best ways to find her perfect partner is to determine those things in her life that she is passionate about and then being involved with others that share those same passions.

When Jane builds the life that brings her the happiness that she wants, then she will be at the point where she will begin to draw people into her life that she will want to have there- including that ‘special someone’. We call this the Law of the Draw and it can work like a charm. Next time we will talk a little bit about the Law of the Draw.