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Can't find Mr. Right? Compromise, don't settle

Peter Hector - Author Writer on Relationships
By: Peter Hector

You are a 37 year old career woman; your job gives you the social and financial status you need to enjoy a comfortable and stable lifestyle. You know what you want out of life and you're on your way to achieving it. None of your previous relationships lasted long enough for you to settle down and fall in love. But as a single person you are now finding out how difficult it is to find a man who can compliment your lifestyle. Lately you've been a little anxious; you're not getting any younger. 

Your ideal; man must possess enough pizzazz to at least be able to further stimulate your already fulfilling life. Not too much to ask.--Right? You keep a long list of requirements your ideal man must fulfill. But are you being realistic? 

I've asked several career women to describe their ideal mate. Here are some of the answers I received; Soul mate, emotionally secure, financially stable, and intellectually stimulating, a good sense of humor, a gentleman, not afraid to express love and affection, ready to commit and accept responsibility. In addition, he must be reasonably good looking, in good physical shape and sexy, and it won't hurt if he is a good dancer. Wow! 

It's not that such men don't exist but how available are they? Hence how realistic are these expectations. Remember, men who meet these requirements, may also have their lists of must haves in a mate. And maybe, just maybe, you may not meet these requirements. So you may come face to face with this reality; two people seeking perfection in each other with no intention of budging until they find it. The sad part is that some people hold out for years determined to find their Mr. Right. The fallout is an army of eligible individuals approaching the age of 40 living lonely and unhappy lives. 

So what is the solution? ---"Compromise." --- I can just hear you saying. Compromise? Why should I? I set my standards and by no means am I going to settle for less than I deserve. And you're right. Sometimes accepting second best may work for a while, but no matter how good things turn out, you may always be dissatisfied believing you could have done better. 

The good news is that compromise does not always mean settling for less. And since no one is perfect, there is no harm in modifying your requirements to accommodate someone you consider worthwhile. However, it must always be your decision. You and no one else know how much you are willing to compromise or sacrifice to achieve happiness in a relationship. 

Five ways to Compromise without settling

1. Be Approachable.

A self confident independent woman may assume that eligible men would see her as a valuable asset to a relationship and flock her for dates. More often than not this does not happen. Why? Men may not openly admit it, but an attractive independent and self -confident woman can be intimidating to them. And many times men overlook them assuming they are already spoken for. 

Some of the career women I interviewed however said. Men hesitate to date us because they feel our standards are not easy to live up to." Men on the other hand say they can quickly recognize a woman's unwillingness to compromise in a relationship, and it's for this reason they shy away.

Five ways to make your self more approachable.

Let the world know you are single. 

Be friendly. Initiate conversations by asking questions and making interesting statements. Show interest when listening to others. 

Don't be aggressive. Smile, -- a pleasant relaxed smile without being false.

Use your sense of humor. You don't have to be a stand-up comic --- simply reply humorously to questions. ---- make people feel relaxed in your presence. 

Don't appear to take up a lot of space when in the presence of others. This sends a signal of power and superiority, according to nationally acclaimed body language expert Patti Woods who says. "Women who want men to approach them must show that there is room for someone else in their lives.


2. Modify your perception of Mr. Right 

Since childhood you've had a mental picture of the person with whom you will fall in love and eventually marry. The fact that you have not found him until now could mean, 1. He is a rare specie. 2. You do not easily attract this type of man. Perhaps it's time to consider changing your outlook. This of course is much more easily said than done; childhood perceptions can be difficult to erase, but consider this.

Say your perception of Mr. Right has always been a man who is tall, handsome, debonair and physically fit, but every relationship you've had with such men failed. You may want to stop and ask yourself why. And after careful consideration, you may conclude your image of Mr. Right might be a lifelong fantasy that bears no relevance to the person you are now. 

Another example is a woman who grew up with parents who always struggled to make ends meet, may instinctively be drawn to a man who possesses all the attributes of a good provider. She is attracted to this type of man although she is fully aware that like herself, today's woman is capable of providing for herself and family. So instead of clinging to your lifelong fantasies and holding out for yesterday's Mr. Right, change your focus to include men who can compliment your life as it is today. 

3. Be flexible in your dating choices.

Always keep an open mind. Not everyone will be a perfect match, so don't eliminate a prospect because at first glance he does not meet your requirements. Get to know him better and allow nature to take its course. You may be pleasantly surprised. He may impress you in so many other ways that not driving a Ferrari or looking like Arnold Swartzenegger no longer are important issues to you. 

4. Let go of past prejudices 

You may have eliminated a certain group or groups of men from your list of eligible prospects. Perhaps you had an unpleasant experience with one or more of these groups and vowed never to date for example, another married or divorced man or even a musician. That was when you thought finding Mr. Right would be easy. But prejudging a man before you spend at least an evening with him may cause you to miss an opportunity of finding the one that's right for you.

5. Look again at the people around you. 

Overlooking the people around you is common when your primary focus is finding the perfect partner. Most likely you may have already decided no one you know fits the picture. Take a step backwards and look at the people you already know; for example guys you date casually. Even though you have eliminated them as your possible Mr. Perfect, you may still maintain friendships with them. Perhaps you share common interests or maybe one or more of them is in love with you but never got the chance to let you know. It won't hurt to open your mind once again to the possibilities, give them a second chance. Sometimes our decision to be flexible can cause us to see things from a different perspective; and changing our outlook may open a floodgate of possibilities we never knew existed before. 

Peter Hector is the author of the book Love is No Guarantee. Visit his website at: www.loveisnoguarantee.com  and find out what you need to know before you fall in love. Subscribe to his mailing list at: www.loveisnoguarantee.com/Subscribe.html  to receive more articles like this.