Really Commitment Phobia – Or Is There Another Reason?
By David Newton 2006
Is It Really
Commitment Phobia – Or Is There Another Reason?
© David Newton – Oct 2006
These days people are quick to point the finger and glibly say
“Ah he’s (or she’s) a commitment phobic dater”.
But are they really?
Well, no one
has really asked – one way or the other.
I’ve seen on both of the sexes what may first seem to be 'a form of
commitment phobia', when in fact they could be reacting to many other
things in a relationship, that have very little to do with the 'fear of any
There are in fact a few things that may stop someone committing
themselves to you;
• They are intimidated by your general manner
• They have just come from a destructive relationship before meeting
• You might remind them of a partner who they couldn’t communicate
• They are new to town or are about to move overseas or change their
• They really do like you but only want “bedroom buddy” at this
• You might be pressuring them into a commitment by your activity or
What appears to be the case with a lot of people who want a
partner to commit is that they haven’t really discussed the
relationship properly, or when they do, they don’t manage it well, and
lack skills to make it a positive discussion. Sadly the way they go
about it makes their partner even more nervous about who “they are
in bed with” and life winds up
confirming their own "negative
affirmation" about another partner wanting to pull out of a
however good the relationship was.
This kind of thinking smacks of a
"poverty mentality about having
- and the relationship you really want.
The person who
claims a partner isn’t playing the game of committing could also be
trying to hard to "control the outcome of their partner" or who they
date. After all it’s a good alibi to say “They did me wrong” rather
than look at yourself and ask what are my values? What fun can I
have here? And actually “let go” for a change in the relationship.
Is your manner affecting their potential to commit to you?
Lets face it, if you are the type of person who “blows up” over
trivial things and makes an argument out of what restaurant you’re
going to eat at, I think everyone would wish to avoid you, no matter
how good you were in bed last night with them.
Can you discuss the relationship in a positive and constructive
Realize that how the relationship unfolds is largely due to many
factors. Being able to work on “The Problem” -
and not pushing the
is more important here. Some relationships won’t last the
distance because the factors for their longevity are outside the
control of the people in it. But you needn’t make it an issue for
To love them, you need to let go of them firstly.
Don’t always expect every relationship to be: “The Big Romance”
In fact, relationships can come in many different types and styles,
placing people under judgment simply because they don’t fit your
initial perfect picture may well be unrealistic. Allow people to be
free and who they really are without the obligations of a
pre-determined way of doing things. I’m amazed at how many people
say they want to be “friends first” and then almost smother a
potential partner out of the relationship using jealousy, envy and a
whole range of emotions to get a so called “commitment” from that
You simply might be projecting your own fears onto your partner
After all, what really is a commitment? – Most people never really
define it, and remember, it really is different for each and every
The more you box people into your limited view of a
relationship, the more, you’ll see less of what you’re after. I
suggest, … why not have a wider base of friends and even
relationships? Learn from, and participate in a wider spectrum of
people’s lives, to truly appreciate what love is and can feel for you
and your love life.