Is It Really Commitment Phobia – Or Is There Another Reason?
© David Newton – Oct 2006



These days people are quick to point the finger and glibly say “Ah he’s (or she’s) a commitment phobic dater”.

But are they really?

Well, no one has really asked – one way or the other.

I’ve seen on both of the sexes what may first seem to be 'a form of commitment phobia', when in fact they could be reacting to many other things in a relationship, that have very little to do with the 'fear of any commitment'.

There are in fact a few things that may stop someone committing themselves to you;

• They are intimidated by your general manner

• They have just come from a destructive relationship before meeting you

• You might remind them of a partner who they couldn’t communicate with

• They are new to town or are about to move overseas or change their job, (etc)

• They really do like you but only want “bedroom buddy” at this stage

• You might be pressuring them into a commitment by your activity or over anxiousness

What appears to be the case with a lot of people who want a partner to commit is that they haven’t really discussed the relationship properly, or when they do, they don’t manage it well, and lack skills to make it a positive discussion. Sadly the way they go about it makes their partner even more nervous about who “they are in bed with” and life winds up confirming their own "negative affirmation" about another partner wanting to pull out of a commitment, however good the relationship was.

This kind of thinking smacks of a "poverty mentality about having a partner" - and the relationship you really want. The person who claims a partner isn’t playing the game of committing could also be trying to hard to "control the outcome of their partner" or who they date. After all it’s a good alibi to say “They did me wrong” rather than look at yourself and ask what are my values? What fun can I have here? And actually “let go” for a change in the relationship.

Is your manner affecting their potential to commit to you?
Lets face it, if you are the type of person who “blows up” over trivial things and makes an argument out of what restaurant you’re going to eat at, I think everyone would wish to avoid you, no matter how good you were in bed last night with them.

Can you discuss the relationship in a positive and constructive way?
Realize that how the relationship unfolds is largely due to many factors. Being able to work on “The Problem” - and not pushing the person is more important here. Some relationships won’t last the distance because the factors for their longevity are outside the control of the people in it. But you needn’t make it an issue for your partner. To love them, you need to let go of them firstly.

Don’t always expect every relationship to be: “The Big Romance”
In fact, relationships can come in many different types and styles, placing people under judgment simply because they don’t fit your initial perfect picture may well be unrealistic. Allow people to be free and who they really are without the obligations of a pre-determined way of doing things. I’m amazed at how many people say they want to be “friends first” and then almost smother a potential partner out of the relationship using jealousy, envy and a whole range of emotions to get a so called “commitment” from that partner.

You simply might be projecting your own fears onto your partner
After all, what really is a commitment? – Most people never really define it, and remember, it really is different for each and every person. The more you box people into your limited view of a relationship, the more, you’ll see less of what you’re after. I suggest, … why not have a wider base of friends and even relationships? Learn from, and participate in a wider spectrum of people’s lives, to truly appreciate what love is and can feel for you and your love life.




 

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU HAD YOUR CP WANTING TO BE WITH YOU - FOREVER?

Have you read Steven Carter and Julia Sokol's books? Have you read 'Men Who Can't Love', 'Getting to Commitment', and 'He's Scared, She's Scared'?

Do YOU Love a Commitment Phobic Man? You're not alone! And you can join the rest of us NOW! We have an awesome - and private - Support Forum for those of us who are madly in love with a Commitment Phobe, which comes with these TWO Great webBooks, From Commitment Phobe to "I Do"! and Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction

From Commitment Phobe
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A Strategic Ten-Step Plan for Winning Over Your Commitment-Phobic Lover

Dream Chasers: The
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Dream Chasers: The CP Addiction (Falling in Love and Dealing with a Commitment Phobic Person)