How to be a Smart Single
Do's and Don'ts of Internet Dating
By: (c) Frances Amaroux
2003 Sydney Australia
How to be a Smart Single
Do's and Don'ts of Internet dating
has taken the dating world by storm. Once upon a time, Singles would be ashamed of even saying they wanted a relationship - and now millions of people world-wide are shouting it to the skies. The media loves to tell the horror stories of internet dating, and yet my sense is that it is neither good nor bad, but merely a tool, that used with skill and consciousness, can open up a whole new wonderful world of possibilities.
So, here are some tips that I picked up in my 2 and a half years of Internet dating (PS I found my gorgeous partner in cyberspace, so maybe you could too!)
1. Decide what level you want to play at
- Just new out of a relationship and looking for friendship?
- Looking for a BonkBuddy (respectful but uncommitted sex)
- Or wanting to attract a committed life partnership?
Get very clear on this question !!! Ask your friends where they think you're at. Many people think they are ready for a committed relationship when most everyone around them just knows they are not. Much of the unnecessary painfulness of Internet dating is due to people not being sure about this issue. So, if you don't like some of the lying that goes on the Internet, start by not deceiving yourself. State clearly on your profile what type of relationship you're ready for and talk about it very early on when you email or meet people.
So guys, don't presume that all women want commitment - many of them are in an exploratory phase in their
lives. And gals, don't presume that men don't want commitment - I have coached plenty of guys who are just aching for the intimacy of a committed relationship. Dating provides singles with a great opportunity to get really clear on who they are and what they want - so if you're not sure, talk to your friends and family or get a good relationship coach or counsellor.
HINT: if you're still living with your 'ex', you're not ready for a committed relationship, or if you only broke up 2 weeks ago, you're probably still not ready.
2. Prepare your attitude - curiosity, respect, self-esteem and discernment. Treat all contacts with the respect that any human deserves. Playing on the Internet is a great way to check out whether you're living your life with integrity. It's just sooo easy to ignore someone when you haven't met them, isn't it? Resist the temptation to go into judgement by labelling the unsuccessful players as 'losers and jerks'. Rather, be clear that they just weren't right for you - someone else is sure to love them :-)
Throughout the process, keep focussed on having fun and whether they are the right one for you - NOT whether you are good enough for them.
3. Before you write your profile, write a list of what you want in an ideal partner. There are 5 major areas to consider when chosing a partner :
So what do you really want and need in a relationship? Write down everything you can imagine and then put a number
1, 2 or 3 beside each point. Number 1's are your absolute definite non-negotiable requirements. For me, my ideal man had to be a non-smoker and committed to his personal growth. No matter how good looking and rich he was, if he didn't have my No. 1 requirements, it was no go ! No. 2's are aspects about him and his life that would be really wonderful, and No. 3's are preferences, but it wouldn't really matter if he could not fulfil these.
Ask yourself, "What is important to me? And what is important about that?? Keep asking yourself till you've written down at least 30 words. Then narrow them down to 5. This can be quite difficult but well worth the effort! These 5 words are your most important values - they are the sign posts on your journey in life. Having shared values is what keeps relationships happy and keeps them together longer.
- Always include a recent photo unless you have issues around privacy
o No older than 3-5 years old -ensure it is the best photo possible - tho' glamour shots are NOT a good idea - too much disappointment and loss of trust down the line :-)
- Don't skimp - write as much as you can - this is your Life!!
- Be light and humorous if it comes naturally to you
- Stand out from the crowd - what's different about you?
Here in Australia, everyone seems to say they like romantic walks along the beach - sure who doesn't ? - so add something that defines you from the crowd and is more to do with day to day relating or something that is unusual about you, rather than just the normal romantic stuff.
- Tell them clearly WHO you are and WHAT you're looking for (requirements) and What's important to you (values)
5. Protocol If they contact you…
Always contact them back - even if you're not interested. Say something like "…thankyou so much for contacting me. I had a good read of your profile and sense that there may not be enough in common for us to go further. Wishing you all the very best in your journey....."
Check out their profile and photo and send your individually designed '20 Questions Questionnaire' - either straight up (if you're brave and not into wasting time) or after a few email interchanges.
People who are serious about attracting a life partner tend to be okay about answering, though some prefer to answer the questions on the phone or in person. As a busy gal who requires her partner to be literate, my absolute preference is by email.
6. Making contact…when you find someone interesting….
Keep your initial email short - be complimentary and refer to some of the things they were requiring so they can see you have some things in common - give them the link to your profile to check out for themselves.
If they respond favourably, send them the '20 Questions'.
DO NOT spend ages emailing -you have NO IDEA what someone is really like until you meet in reality. Make a time to meet up after you get a response to your "20 questions". Statistics show that up to 30% of men on dating sites are married. The '20 Questions' tends to turn them off somewhat:-)
7. Persist - tho' take breaks when you get tired - I was contacted by over 550 guys before I met 'the one'!!
8.Visualise your ideal partner and start FEEEEELING
sexy, excited, loved and succulent NOW!!! Begin to breathe that way - start walking and talking that way.... (even for just a few moments at a time). Why wait for a partner to feel great ? Because of course, feeling great will send out just the right vibrations to attract that special someone into your life :-)
Have fun!!!! See you next time for:
The Most Important Question To Ask
On A First Date…
Light Laughter and Bananas
Life Partner Quest Coaching