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What do we Gain from
Impression
Management?
Copyright – Elizabeth
Ryan, February, 2004
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The need for love is fundamental to all human beings and many psychologists believe this need must be met if we’re to enjoy emotional health.
Thus, when our life is bereft of a warm and intimate emotional climate it’s understandable that we look for love. How we go about this search, though, often generates a painful outcome that leads us to feel unfulfilled, not fully understood and somewhat lonely. If we repeat this pattern a few times we may blame love itself for not fulfilling our dreams. Instead of losing heart and convincing ourselves that love is a sham, we can raise our awareness by acknowledging how our own input facilitates our
disappointment. Increased awareness of our behaviour is a crucial step to behavioural change.
Because we’re generally attracted to people who are aesthetically appealing, we’re likely initially to be attracted to someone on the basis of her/his physical appearance. Men are likely to delight in youthful, feminine women, while women tend to desire masculine males with good earning potential. Knowing that the singles scene can be quite competitive, we endeavour to make a good first impression. Thus, when we’re meeting potential
partners most of us cater to what we think might appeal by looking our best and by engaging in charming behaviours so that we might spark enough interest to be deemed desirable.
Unwittingly, such enhanced self-marketing fuels positive expectations that we can’t live up to. We have enough difficulty seeing a prospective suitor for the human being he/she is without engendering unrealistic expectations. Sometimes we decide we can’t live without her/him after spending only a few hours with the likely candidate, so we bait the hook in attempt to land what we believe in the moment is the person of our dreams. Instead of showing our true colours, we’re selective about our actions and disclosures, only exhibiting the best of our nature, or behaviours that we figure might woo a suitor. Furthermore, forsaking dignity and self-respect, sometimes we become downright deceitful. Rather than risk the transient pain of not matching, we widen the gap between reality and fiction and increase the probability of anguish.
Part of the inefficient process by which this happens is that when we find someone appealing we project onto her/him a fantasy image of what we believe the perfect mate to be. We glorify potential partners’ strengths, recast their faults as virtues and become impervious to the rational concerns of people whom we trust wholeheartedly in other areas of our lives. Not only do we all lack objectivity about what makes an appealing relationship prospect, we also lack objectivity about ourselves. We all engage in unconscious processes whereby we fabricate an idealised self-image, which inclines us to see ourselves in a more positive light than what’s realistic.
Given the complexity of our misleading impressions and ill-informed judgements, it’s no wonder disappointment awaits us. We’re bound eventually to realise that this person whom we initially thought was perfect is a mere mortal with some attitudes, behaviours and values that not only don’t resonate with our own but may even be offensive. If we were more genuine in our self-presentation and the attributions we make about a suitor we could avoid arriving at this frustrating conclusion. However, when we understand without self-criticism or a sense of despair these processes whereby we inflate our own image as well as that of a suitor we’re likely to be motivated to accomplish a more positive outcome. Furthermore, when we can learn to accept the negative elements of our self, we’ll be less likely to deceive ourselves about the negative elements of others.
Self-esteem is another ingredient of the powerful mix that motivates our behaviour when we’re looking for love. If we inferred from our childhood that we’re unlovable, then we’re likely to have low self-esteem. With such impaired self-esteem, we’re especially inclined to engage in seductive impression management and illusory expectations. The more insecure we feel within ourselves, the more likely we are to be attracted to someone because she/he likes us and we might even select a less appealing contender to diminish the possibility of rejection.
Conversely, if our self-esteem is robust we tend to be authentic in our interactions with potential mates. Feeling comfortable with who we are, we willingly disclose our challenges as well as our strengths. When we resist letting others know the real us, we abandon the possibility of being loved and accepted for who we are. Surely the deepest experience of love, though, is being accepted in spite of difference, disagreements, anger, mistakes, limitations, failures, etc.
When we have high self-esteem or adequate emotional maturity we don’t need to bolster the ego of our potential partner or take our cues from him/her so that we may feel accepted. We won’t be afraid to say, “I don’t enjoy the football’ or “I don’t have the patience to spend hours shopping,” because we have the wherewithal to stand in truth and risk rejection. Emotionally mature people honour their true self rather than invest their energy in impressing others. Having a strong sense of themselves and their self-worth, they don’t compromise their core values or avoid conflict by pretending to be flexible and agreeable. They state their convictions, needs and values even when these aren’t consistent with those of someone they admire. They also have the strength of character to reveal their inadequacy and their struggles.
Clearly, it behoves us to increase our self-esteem. When we feel good about ourselves we’re likely to attract people who will treat us well. We’re also likely to be more confident about reading cues, deciphering mixed messages and trusting our hunches, which are useful skills in the competitive dating world. Along with these competencies, emotionally mature individuals monitor the effect their authenticity is having on others. They are sensitive enough to detect when their honest disclosure is triggering pain in another person and to encourage a potential mate to communicate from his/her heart about his/her reaction.
The more emotional maturity we have the more able we’ll be to set aside our hunger for a particular image of ourselves and of our potential partner. Being particularly mindful, we’ll resist the temptation both to present a flawless image of ourselves and to project our conception of the ideal partner onto a suitor. We’ll be able to engage from our essence to the unique essence of our prospective beloved and experience true intimacy and love rather than just the euphoria of the illusion-based phenomenon.
First published “Free Spirited” Magazine May, 2004
Copyright – Elizabeth Ryan, February, 2004
Elizabeth
Ryan (BA Hons Psych) is a relationship counsellor relationship
educator, based in Melbourne.
See her website for more information: www.copotential.com.au/
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