Is he "Just Not Into Me" or is he a Commitment Phobic?
TO SPOT A COMMITMENT PHOBIC BEFORE HE BREAKS YOUR HEART!
Due to negative
experiences and beliefs (or sometimes a personality disorder), both
sexes can suffer from commitment phobia, but more and more men seem to
be suffering from this problem (or challenge).
Let's look at some
typical behaviours commitment phobic men display in relationships.
Commitment phobic men
are tortured souls full of FEAR. They are in a constant state of
emotional conflict because of their negative irrational beliefs about
love, commitment and relationships. In relationships they create great
confusion, havoc, pain, and anguish as their behaviours are often
insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre.
These types of men can
make women who are saints turn into mad women, as they play games with
their minds and their hearts.
I am writing this
article from my own personal experience, from experiences my friends and
clients have had, and from interviews and research conducted by Steven
Carter and Julia Sokol. The interviews were conducted with over hundred
men who can’t commit, and the women who have been involved with them.
(Ref: Men who can’t
Love by Steven Carte and Julia Sokol).
phobic men may display SOME or MANY of the following behaviours:
1. They usually have
a history of short relationships and they may never have been married -
there is often an excuse that they haven’t met the right woman, or they
justify their history by saying they still have plenty of time to settle
down as they can have children at any age. A favourite line is
2. If they have been
married it is likely to have been for a short time, or, if they have
been in a long term relationship or marriage, they will usually have a
history of infidelity.
3. They want a
relationship but they also want freedom and space so they are often
attracted to long distance relationships and busy independent women.
4. They are fast to
move in on a woman they are attracted to, and they pursue ardently until
they win the woman over.
5. They are very
charming. They say and do all the right things and they can be very
romantic. They are very good salesmen to get their own needs met, but in
reality they have very little concern for the woman’s feelings, as they
are always operating from hidden agendas.
6. These men are
usually very affectionate and loving. This is because in their mind the
relationship is not going to be long term, so they feel free to give
affection and love, knowing it won’t be forever. It isn’t long though
before they suddenly start rejecting the woman, by not ringing or not
wanting to see her for days, or not including her in weekend
arrangements etc. This is because they subtly want to give the woman the
message that they don’t want a long term committed relationship.
7. Severe commitment
phobics play the seduction/rejection game. They can’t make the decision
to give totally to the relationship, but they can’t commit to walk away
either. They feel trapped by both choices. They feel love for the woman
when they don’t see her, but they want to run away when they become
8. Commitment phobics
love the chase but they don’t want the kill. This may happen after 1
night, 1 week, 1 month, 3 months or 1 year. They may start sabotaging
just as they are about to get married, or just before or after there's a
decision made to move in together.
9. They spin stories
to justify their contradictory behaviour, and when the woman threatens
to leave the relationship they may make promises to change, but they
10. They tend to treat
the woman like a mistress rather than a real girlfriend.
11. They tend to limit
the amount of time they spend with the women and treat her as a low
13. Commitment phobics
behaviours announce subtly…“You will be special for a short time, but it
won’t be forever”.
14. They often choose
women who are not the type of partner they are looking for, for example
they may be much older, much younger, married, or they may have
different interests. They use these differences as excuses to end
15. They can have a
history of frequent career change and often work in environments where
they have a certain amount of space and freedom.
16. They treat
requests for respect as demands and become, angry, obnoxious and
17. Severe commitment
phobics avoid events or outings that may include the woman's family or
18. They know an
ongoing sexual relationship often leads to commitment so they choose to
run when things start to head in that direction.
19. They like to feel
in control and create time frames that suit them, often treating the
woman like a puppet on a string.
20. They don’t like
structure, particularly in their personal life.
21. They tend to
compartmentalize their life and keep their work environment, friends or
family off limits. They can create wonderful excuses why the woman
shouldn’t meet these people.
When they get the feeling they need to run, their words and actions are
full of mixed messages. They play mind games.
phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow and they have no intentions
of ever doing so.
They can be moody or aloof and blame the woman for why they are acting
They may withdraw sexually and blame it on the woman for being
demanding, or on work fatigue, or illness, or anything else that they
can think of.
They can have a history of unavailability and inaccessibility .They can
be hard to contact, and they are often unpredictable when it comes to
returning phone calls. They can even avoid answering calls completely.
They lie, or they are evasive and secretive about where they are and
what they are doing to create space.
Their living arrangements may be rather off-beat. They may have an
apartment but they may rarely stay there, preferring to stay at friends
places, with parents or ex-girlfriend’s.
They hate planning ahead because that means commitments.
Severe commitment phobics may have very little furniture, not own
property or a car, as these represent commitment as well. To some buying
a car can be as big a decision as deciding to get married - it can be
all too much for them as they don’t want to feel stuck with anything.
They often don’t invite women to their home because of their peculiar
living arrangements, but they have no desire to change their situation.
Even if their home is comfortable it exudes the feeling that they want
to be alone. It is not welcoming to the outside world.
They are often unreliable, late and sometimes they don’t turn up at all.
They are like this with family and friends as well, although this is not
the case in their working environment.
They are often unfaithful in relationships.
They can be overly committed to their work or to their children to avoid
spending a lot of time with a woman.
Severe commitment phobics rarely lower their defences because they don’t
want to get too close to a woman, or vice versa. If they do, they
usually only give little pieces of their soul in well- planned
instalments, except if they are having an affair. Affairs are perfect
for commitment phobics as they feel completely safe to disclose and to
chase, as commitment is not an option while they are in another
If a man has been married he may void putting his divorce papers through
as he can use this as an excuse to keep a woman at bay. This helps him
to feel safe from the possibility of ever getting married again.
Behavioural inconsistencies are very noticeable with these men when they
find themselves getting too close. They become argumentive and abusive,
or they create distance. A lot of uncaring sabotage behaviours surface
eg. working long hours, taking on extra projects, creating space, not
ringing, being late, finding fault with the woman etc
They often choose to travel a lot for work, to play a lot of sport, or
be involved in many projects to create distance.
These men know on some level that they are deceptive and cruel to women.
The word “forever” terrifies these men. Love doesn’t scare them; rather
it is what love represents to them that scares them. This is due to
their negative belief system about love and relationships.
They usually end up behaving worse and worse, and they sabotage more and
more because they want the woman to end the relationship as they feel
too anxious and guilty to do so.
Severe commitment phobics can also suffer from claustrophobia and/or a
How you handle a commitment phobic
1. Don’t rush into bed
with these types of men (or any men for that matter), especially the
ones who are very charming and pursue ardently, as they are the ones to
be most wary of.
2. Take your time.
Listen carefully to a man’s history and leave him as soon as you
recognize the behaviours before you get involved and hurt.
3. If he tends to
exclude you from other areas of his life the writing is on the wall -
4. If you get involved
before seeing the behaviours, set the pace with this man. Don’t allow
him to set the pace.
5. Act like you don’t
need him - stay independent and non-wife like.
6. Realize your love
and attention won’t change him but not needing him and giving him space
might (that’s if he isn’t a severe case!)
7. Actions speak
louder than words. Believe what he does, not what he says.
8. Don’t expect a
close committed relationship – be prepared to take the relationship for
what it is. These types of men are best treated as occasional lovers
rather than potential partners. Don’t rely on having a relationship with
them. If you do you will never feel emotionally safe or satisfied. You
will be left confused, bewildered, angry and hurt.
9. Don’t cut yourself
off from dating other men – keep your options open as it is highly
likely he is not saving himself for you, nor can he ever give you what
you want, need and deserve.
10. Don’t find excuses
for his behaviour.
11. Evaluate whether
he wants to change and whether he is capable of changing - some men will
fall into this category but most won’t. Also evaluate how patient you
12. Don’t think it was
your fault when a commitment phobic relationship ends but learn form it.
Make sure you don’t get involved with one of these types of men again.
Watch carefully for the behaviours.
13. Take care of
yourself first as there is a high chance this man won’t be there for you
when you really need him, despite his sweet words when he is in the
14. If you are
continually attracting commitment phobics, you will need some coaching
to get different results.
15. If you are in pain
from a commitment phobic relationship you may need some coaching to heal
and move forward.
" For your life to change you must change" - Jim Rohn
What does a commitment phobic have to do to change?
1. He has to admit he
has a problem.
2. He has to take
responsibility for his behaviours toward women – that he leads them on
and he behaves in an uncaring and cruel way.
3. He has to want to
4. He has to be
prepared to seek help.
5. He has to look deep
within to work out when and how his claustrophobic/commitment phobic
6. He will require
coaching or cognitive behavioural therapy to change his negative,
irrational thought patterns about love, commitment and relationships. He
will also need to explore some of the faster healing therapies to heal,
grow and change.
7. He needs some time
out from relationships to reflect on his thinking patterns and
8. He must develop his
emotional and spiritual intelligence and become more aware. Personal and
spiritual development courses raise awareness and consciousness and
prevent us from sabotaging relationships. (Spiritual development is not
9. If he doesn’t want
to change his behaviours he has to be honest and upfront to women when
he first meets them. He must tell them he does not want a committed
relationship - that he is only interested in a casual liaison with space
and freedom, and not to expect any more. Then it is up to the woman to
decide whether she wishes to spend time with him on those terms.
“ Love and fear cannot exist in the same space” - Author unknown
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies
inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the
barriers within yourself that you have built against it "- Rumi
MUST ALL REMEMBER THAT IN THE END LOVE IS ALL THERE IS!
is love that feed how heart and our soul and makes us feel whole.
For the best dating and relationship E-books
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jane Roder is a
relationship coach/counsellor who has spent many years of her life
studying personal development, the metaphysical, and many of the ancient
She is the founder of Relationship Remedies and the author of a new book
“101 Ways to Win a Woman’s Heart” (published by Pennon). Three other
books “How to Find Your Soul Mate”, “How to Achieve a
Successful Separation & Divorce”, and “77 Secrets to Dynamic
Relationships” are currently being sold internationally on the web.
www.relationship-remedies.com for more details.
Apart from books, Jane offers teleclasses, seminars and one on one