Why men delay marriage.
And what you can do to guide your man to happily commit to you.
By: Peter Hector
It’s true, today more than ever men are in no hurry to commit to long term relationships with women. And while some women continue to seek ways to get men to commit to them, others are simply fed up and are no longer trying. These women have taken the stand, “it’s a man’s issue, let them deal with it, and we as women have to get on with our lives with or without men.”
Many women are convinced it’s just a man’s thing to experiment with different sexual partners until well into their thirties before settling down in a committed relationship; but it’s more complicated than that. And if women were to pay close attention to what men say and do, they may understand how wrong some of their assumptions about men are. For example, although men like to sow their wild oats, they soon grow tired and long to settle down with a single partner.
In 2002 a Psychological Studies report put out by the University of Southern California showed 99% of college men and women said they wanted to have a committed relationship in the future. Most of the men however said they would like to put off commitment typically for a period of five years. This variation from tradition is typical among young men of all walks of life today. In times past men began to consider marriage soon after graduating from college, trade schools or apprenticeships and were gainfully employed.
So what social change has brought about this new behavior in men? Why are men not anxious to rush out and find the woman of their dreams so they can get married and settle down? The short answer is because they don’t have to. When asked, men gave several reasons why they were not ready for a committed relationship. But I believe there are four factors which significantly influence modern men’s attitude toward commitment.
1.Men face little social pressure to get married because unlike in times past it is a lot easier for a man to get sex without having to say I do. Women can no longer effectively entice men with the promise of sex as an incentive for men to commit to them. Why: Simply because men can get sex (the number one reason why men married in the past) from a number of readily available sources, in many cases with no strings attached.
2.Men dread the possible consequences in the likely event the relationship does not work out. The emotional suffering caused by a break up could be devastating to men, but they express more concern for the risk of financial losses they may suffer if and when confronted with divorce proceedings.
3.It is men’s nature to delay anything that can cause drastic changes to their lives. And although men have always been aware of the changes that marriage brings, they accepted them as part of the territory; “when a man marries his troubles begin.” But whether or not today’s men are aware of this old saying, one thing is certain. They are not ready to be plucked from their comfort zones and thrown into a life of responsibility, compromise and sacrifice. And by their own admissions this is the life they believe awaits them whenever they decide to take what they consider the final plunge.
4.Before they take that final plunge however they want to be sure they are making the best possible choice. As one man puts it “Imagine how I would feel if someone better comes along and I’m already in a committed relationship?”
How to get your man to happily commit to you
Knowing what a man wants and being aware of his apprehensions about commitment is the first step toward understanding what it takes to give a man what he wants from a relationship with you. When given a choice most people do what they want and what they believe is in their best interest. A man will not commit to a relationship unless he is convinced he will get what he wants now, with reasonable expectations he will continue to do so in the future. Fortunately for women what men want includes a love interest, trust, emotional support and commitment, some of the same things women want.
So finding the way to a man’s heart might be easier than you think. A word of caution though; this does not relate to women who are fully aware that their chances of getting their man to commit are slim to none, such as:
1. Women who remained too long in relationships with men who do not have and never had any intentions to commit to them.
2. Relationships of convenience where the woman feels trapped, but is afraid to bring up the subject of commitment for fear of loosing the man forever.
3. The woman who gets the feeling the man is ready to commit possibly with someone else, but not to her.
These suggestions refer to relationships where men want to commit but are genuinely fearful. Pay little attention to the previously well-publicized strategies that promise to motivate your man to commit to you; they do not work and men are weary of them. Anyway, if you have to coerce a man to commit to you, you are definitely with the wrong man. A man would not commit to a relationship unless he is ready. And sometimes the way he perceives you can give him that little psychological push he may need to help him to make up his mind.
Nine ways to win your man’s heart so he will want to commit to you
1.Be reasonably certain he is the kind of man with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life.
The thought of commitment should not enter your mind unless you are convinced he is the one for you. You have to know him well enough to determine: He is able to commit; He possesses many of the qualities you’ve always looked for in a man; you can’t help but to respect and admire him; He has already passed your test for honesty, integrity and consideration for others, and you must be reasonably certain he is falling in love with you.
2.Always be who you are. And don’t be afraid to express yourself the way you’re accustomed to.
This is probably the most important quality men look for in a woman. Ninety-nine percent of men in numerous surveys said so, and women whose character changed after marriage ranked number one on the list of causes for marriage break ups. Resist the urge to try to make a man feel important by conforming and not voicing your true opinions or laughing at his jokes when they are not funny. If for no other reason, consider the possibility he may be testing you
3.Show him you’re independent.
Men are weary of women who sit back and wait for their men to fill every aspect of their lives. Let him know although you welcome his input in many ways, you are perfectly capable of doing things without him; in fact sometimes you prefer to do things on your own. For example you may want to see a certain movie, but he’s too busy to go with you. Instead of sulking, cheerfully tell him you’ll go by yourself, and do it.
Until he commits to you, do not make major changes in your life with a view of accommodating him. If you had plans to purchase your new condominium go ahead as if he was not in the picture. It may seem wise to hold off on your plans pending a commitment from him. Don’t, he may get the impression you’re not as independent as he thought. If you mention your plans to him do so only for the purpose of information and not as a means of forcing him to make a decision to commit to you. The purpose here is to genuinely show him that your life goes on with or without him.
4.Show him you are a kind and loving person.
As surprising as it may seem, a man needs someone who loves him and whom he could love in return. This may seem obvious to many, but the more women are becoming empowered by their independence the more intolerant they are becoming with men who are slow to adapt. Men see these women as insensitive and most likely incapable of love. So in her own way a woman needs to show a man that although she is capable of going it alone, she has a burning desire to share love with the man in her life.
5.Show him you’re interested in him for who he is and not what he can do for you.
I’ve asked men what would be the one thing they would like to know most about a woman before they marry her. Overwhelmingly men said “to be certain that the woman loved them for themselves and not as a means to an end. This is understandable. No man likes to feel that a woman chose him because he is a good provider, a model citizen or a potentially good father; all of these things are also important to men. But a man is happier when he knows that his woman chooses him because he is her best friend; someone she would want by her side no matter what his situation may be. So how do you let him know you want him primarily for the person he is?
Show interest in his life, his likes and dislikes and his values. Talk about his career, but pay more attention of how personally rewarding it is for him instead of how economically lucrative it may be. Tell him what attracted you to him in the first place, e.g. “There was something about the way you smile”
6.Do not play games to get him to pursue you.
Men are fully aware of the games some women play to get their attention. They may even be intrigued by the challenge and do whatever it takes to win you but may never commit to you. Flirting with other guys to make him jealous or manipulating him so that he chases after you may seem to work for a while. But how could he trust you if he thinks you’re a manipulator. Even if he is fascinated by you, a man would be afraid to commit to a woman if he has the slightest doubt about her trustworthiness.
7.Let him know you have no intention of changing him
If a man feels committing to a woman will drastically change his lifestyle he will aggressively resist commitment even when he thinks he loves her. You don’t have to fit in every part of his life so even if there are some areas of incompatibility let him understand that you can compromise. Let him know you have no objection to him spending a night watching football with his friends instead of being with you. Don’t make him feel that he has to make the best of his time now because his life would change (of course for the better) once you become a couple.
8.Always maintain your femininity with special emphasis on physical appearance.
Men like women who can fit in with their friends; women who they feel can be almost like one of the boys. So having a great sense of humor, socializing without getting bogged down with too much detail makes you extremely desirable, but be careful; Men also want women who are particular about their femininity which includes being kind, loving, gentle and always conscious of their physical appearance. So being one of the boys should not be confused with looking like them. And even though it may seem like men are not overly concerned with your looks, never let your guard down.
Now we’re not talking catwalk model material here, but we expect you to look as if you’ve taken time with your appearance. This means using clothing that bring out your best qualities, maintain proper posture, (your mother was right) tastefully manicured hands and feet and regular use of mouthwash especially if you smoke or drink beer.
9. Don’t rush or appear to rush the relationship.
You may think he is taking too long to make up his mind about you. Relax! This may be a good thing; maybe he wants to be certain he’s making a sound decision.
Don’t give him the impression you’re impatient, cheerfully carry on with your normal routine. Don’t suggest he takes you to meet his parents or invite him to meet yours, unless he asks, it’s better to let him make such decisions on his own. Remember your goal is to provide him with the information he needs to make up his mind and at the same time give him all the space he requires while doing so. And if you believe he’s truly the man for you and followed the suggestions outlined in this article, you would not have to wait very long.
Peter Hector is the author of the book
Love is No Guarantee. Visit his website at:
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