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(c) 2003 by Anca Ramsden
If you are reading this article you must be interested in developing your relationships -
don't be surprised - you are not alone!
The problem most commonly reported to doctors are relationship problems and stress. The problem most commonly reported to Employee Assistance Programmes are relationship difficulties both domestic and with managers. And psychologists have always found that the most common reason for clients seeking consultation is relationship issues. My clients frequently select relationship goals as their primary goal. For some the goal is to establish a meaningful and intimate relationship and for others it is to enhance existing relationships (sometimes after 20 years of marriage). Here are some examples of my clients’ relationship goals:
I am in a relationship where I am deeply fulfilled.
I express who I am and feel nourished.
I find a suitable partner and commit myself to marriage.
I work alongside my partner as an equal. We respect each other’s opinions.
I have a good relationship with my partner, we have fun and intimacy.
I form a healthy, loving relationship with a life partner.
My partner and I have confidence in each other and trust in each other’s opinions.
I have a meaningful, trusting and intimate relationship with my partner.
I can give and receive.
I accept love and I am willing to give it.
I feel accepted and appreciated in a group.
I have a healthy boundary between myself and others.
In my practice I use Neuro-Psychotherapy, a 12 hour neurological/psychological development programme that naturally brings about emotional maturity and leads to virtually instant development of healthier
relationships. EMOTIONAL MATURITY is a requirement for starting and maintaining relationships. Go to
and complete the Emotional Maturity Questionnaire. If you answer yes to more than five questions you need the NP programme. Here are some sample questions:
Do you ever feel uncomfortable with giving or receiving physical affection?
Does it take several days to resolve even minor disagreements with a partner?
Do you forget to express interest in others’ feelings and opinions in a conversation ?
Do you tend to ‘tone down ‘ the expression of any of your emotions, especially to aviod upsetting others?
Is your day dominated by emotional ‘ups and downs’? Do you have problems ‘swtching off’ after work?
Are there certain feelings that you never express? (like anger or sadness)
Do you avoid going places alone?
Do you brood over negative incidents, like confrontations?
Do you feel responsible to solve others’ problems and make it better for them?
If you answer ‘yes’ to any of these questions the effect on your relationships
will be significant, not to mention the stress you yourself are experiencing. ‘Yes’ replies indicate that you have emotional response patterns from childhood still active in your psychological system and you are still working toward full emotional maturity and a solid emotional equilibrium. Now most people will answer yes to some of these questions- and that is because every adult has some remnants of childhood response patterns still active in their psychological system. The reason for this is that the nervous system is designed to use all memory as a reference. Neuro - Psychotherapy is a fast track method for clearing out such obsolete information and gaining full emotional maturity and equilibrium.
You might ask, ‘Why bother to have a healthy relationship if I can get by just the way I am? Typically if a relationship is to endure, make both parties happy and allow growth, change and development for everyone involved it has to be ‘healthy’. Here are some characteristics of HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS:
Quick conflict resolution, co-operation, humour, intimacy and caring, giving and receiving, honouring, assertiveness, honesty, equality, healthy boundaries accomodation of change, space for privacy, community and extended family contact, balance between work and play, stabilising and energising qualities
We all know of the enormous and wide scale investment required to conduct relationships: time, energy, attachment, identity, extended family and other social
relationships, finances. These investments become the assets of the relationship. Therefore the breaking down of relationships is enormously costly and the losses are multiple involving all of the above. In fact so costly that many are reluctant to even go down that path more than once, or twice. If you want to choose the right partner and maintain a satisfying relationship, start with your own EMOTIONAL MATURITY - it will guarantee you a
The question is, how does one achieve emotional maturity ? Is it something you can learn? We learn enormously through our relationships - think back to your first love relationship and each subsequent important intimate relationship you have
had. Think about the enormous impact on your emotional life. Each relationship brings an additonal unique quality to one’s life, without these qualities life would be stagnant. The meeting of any two people always has a unique quality that can
never be replicated by any other persons. It is almost impossible to ‘replace’ a particular relationship. We need relationships to trigger growth and to activate us. So
thinking back on your relationships, you will be able to say for example, ‘I learnt to be patient or I learnt to not allow this type of conflict to occur again‘, etcetera. Of course there is no school like real life.
However in addition to first hand experience there are several ways in which you can go about developing emotional maturity.
This includes: Attending courses on personal development and social relationships, reading literature about relationships and personal growth. Probably the most useful courses are those on communication skills and assertiveness
training. Being informed is a very good first step. However being informed does not do the whole job. I have many clients who are very well informed (often they themselves are in the helping professions and are facilitators in personal development training courses ) and they are in stable enduring relationships, where they really do appreciate and value their partner very highly. Yet they do not have emotional maturity and this causes some stress internally and in the relationship. The Neuro-Psychotherapy programme can correct this situation. The NP programme brings emotional maturity up to speed. It works on the principle of the interdependence of neurological and psychological development. It is easy to use and gives observable results quickly.
Frequently both parties opt to do the Neuro-Psychotherapy programme, because when one partner grows emotionally the other has to follow suit for the relationship to still work satisfactorily. For example, the level of emotional independence has to be
similar for both parties for the relationship to be very energetic and inspiring. If you identify emotional stress on the Emotional
Maturity Questionnaire, you will benefit from the Neuro-Psychotherapy programme. You can complete the Neuro - Psychotherapy programme at my practice in
Artamon, NSW. It is specifically designed to achieve exactly this outcome: emotional maturity for satisfactory relationships. Good luck in your quest !
You can contact
Anca Ramsden, a registered psychologist in private practice, on:
Telephone: 02-9418-3692 (Sydney)
Address: 8/22-24 Eric Rd, Artarmon, NSW 2064