"What's wrong with me Dr Jan?" Why am I so anxious now that I have the man of my dreams? I feel like an idiot. Two years ago I was in here complaining that I was desperate because I couldn't meet anyone. Now I have been in the relationship seven months and yet I seem to be looking for an escape clause. It just doesn't make sense!"
Jenny certainly was agitated and I could understand why. She had first consulted with me two years before, because she was unhappy with single life and complained bitterly about how difficult it was for her to meet a partner. She became so confused about her inability to find her ideal relationship with a man, that she decided she may even be gay and she should pursue that scene to find out if she was really meant to be with a woman.
Jenny had joined a gay social group and even dated and had sex with several women over a year, but decided that she wasn't gay after all and it wasn't fair of her to lead someone on. (After all, she had experienced that herself in several relationships with men in the past, so she didn't want to perpetuate the pattern).
Back on the heterosexual market, Jenny was amazed to find that she met Mr Ideal when she least expected it! She went to a girlfriend's party one night as a last resort because she had nothing to do. The friend had just moved into a new neighborhood and had invited her new neighbours to the party as insurance against them complaining about the party noise.
To Jenny's amazement, she found herself hitting it off with Craig, from next door.
Craig and Jenny had been dating ever since, and he wanted to move in together now but Jenny had cold feet.
Jenny explained that Craig seemed really ideal in every way. He was a good listener and was putting up with the bad moods which Jenny was well known for. What had stopped working for Jenny was the sex.
Jenny continued "After a few minutes of foreplay, he would assume the missionary position and get himself off. I asked him to consider oral sex because I know from being with women in the past, that oral sex is the best and quickest way for me to orgasm.
Jenny's story is very common. Don't think I am having a go at men who are bad lovers though, as the story could just as well have been in reverse roles. Many men complain that their women would have sex swinging from the chandelier when they first got together, but now couldn't seem to care less if they never had sex again.
So what happens to make a couple who seem to initially have so much going for them, to lose their spark? I believe that the answer is in two parts -a left-brain or logical part and a right-brain or emotional part.
1. The left-brain reason for couples who lose the lust.
2. The right-brain reason for couples who lose their lust.
Jenny had always been able to have good sex when she started a relationship -be it heterosexual or bisexual. It was only when she began to truly plan a life with Craig that she began to turn off him.
So what does all this mean for people who want good sex to continue?
For men, this means truly accepting that women do not usually get off on the "big bang".
For women, it means learning that men love quickies and need to be gently encouraged to take their time if you want them to make sex last. Give them heaps of praise and shower them with compliments about their technical expertise as a lover. Give them lots of little noises of pleasure during sex too, so they know they are doing it right for you.
For everyone, it means learning that sex is very important in a relationship, but that real intimacy in a committed relationship takes time, honest and regular communication and will always have its ups and downs, so needs realistic understanding.
NEW CLINIC ADDRESS
SPECIAL OFFER: The first ten people to consult with Jan in the New Millennium and quote the SimplySolo.com article on True Intimacy will receive FREE, their choice of a set of five of Jan's Sensational Sex Audiotapes (retail value of $120.00)
SPECIAL INVITATION: There are some members who fancy themselves as sex-studs and sex-sirens. If you would like to get involved in the sex-therapy website as question and answer consultants (under Dr Jan's guidance) or as sex-idea providers, please email Jan with your credentials and ideas.
NEW BOOK ON SEX
When you ask most people the question:
SEX-WISE: What Every Parent and Young Person Needs to Know About Sex is to be published by Random House in February, 2000 and will be available for only $12.95 from all retail outlets and from Dr Janet Hall, 69 Erin St, Richmond, 3121, Melbourne, Australia.