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Dating:
Self-Confidence
In Your
Partner Search
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Dating: Self-Confidence In
Your Partner Search
Discovering dating singles and meeting people is all about practice
© David Newton 1/24/08
Keeping up your levels of self confidence is vital to gaining a partner.
Many things can get in the way of a partner search. Dating holds a lot of
distractions and some of them could lead you off the track without you
knowing it.
Here are the areas where self confidence can take a hit:
• Attending singles events for the first time
• Asking for a date or even asking for a phone number
• What to talk about on the first date
• Telling a potential partner where you live, what you drive or the job
you hold
• What you wear and how you present yourself
• Starting a new conversation or even continuing one
• Finding yourself back in the "Singles Scene" and how you feel about it
after a long relationship
You know yourself confidence has always been there.
I'll bet there a several things you already do with complete confidence
and high levels of skill.
You maybe so at ease with those parts of your life, they have become
invisible to you.
This could be things like aspects of your day to day work at your job or
business. You may also be very good at a competitive sport or hobby or
personal interest area. As such you may even take it forgranted what your
talents are in this area.
I'm highlighting this as those feelings of confident behavior need to be
present when you are launching into a new endeavor.
Before you leave your door to go out to a new singles event or a new date
or function, whatever, you need to rekindle those feelings you have with
anything you do with full confidence - and apply that directly to your new
activity.
Example:
Close your eyes a moment and think of an activity you are clearly
confident with.
Now think of a new activity - say it’s going to a social function and
talking with new people - bring those feelings of confident behavior to
the surface as you see in your minds eye you doing the things you would do
confidently (i.e. Talking with and meeting new people)
Now maximize and brighten those feelings of confidence with your new
activity. Feel it grow larger and larger in your mind and the senses you
feel with it.
Lock in the feeling by say - squeezing an imaginary glass of wine as if
you were at the event.
NOW: back to the present. When you're at the event think back to this
imaginary role pay and the holding of your wine glass. Practice the role
pay again if you need to and even practice how your voice would sound if
you were at such an event. It all helps.
Being very practical here, your self confidence is linked here to
rehearsing a situation where you desire to "lock in" the new behavior
pattern.
As they say, if you want a new outcome, you'll need to rehearse it. Your
thoughts and feelings about it need to change in order for you to have a
different outcome than what you had before.
Association
Another factor is your current environment you operate in. This can be
your friends you hang out with or associate with, your family situation
and your work environment. All these have a bearing either directly or
indirectly on how you think or feel about your world, especially your
inner world.
I sometimes smile when people tell me they don't care what others think.
You simply can't believe it. Of course they do, often all the time - we
all do care about how people think.
Here's the evidence - we buy certain household goods to impress our
neighbors when they visit us. We take holidays at locations to make our
friends impressed or we give to charities so they can tell us, "oh how
thoughtful you are". There maybe only one time in history where buying a
car wasn't to impress and that was when the Model T Ford came out in the
1920's and the only colour you could buy it in was black.
Anyway, back to dating. We can be very influenced by our friends when
dating. At some level the question pops up about "whom we are dating?" and
our simple choices become a public event.
It’s no surprise that we can be nervous asking for a date, when we have
these (sometimes) conflicting thoughts and views about what type of person
we should be seeing.
Seeking Approval
One client came to me often to discuss who or what type of potential
suitors she would love to date. At first I didn't think much of it, but
after some searching through the reason why she out rightly blew off some
dates, it turned out that she was trying to please her family by selecting
a date that they would be happy to see her with. Can you imagine how
confused this type of thing can be in an adult who had already been thru a
few marriages and engagements was living? Not a very confident picture.
I have also seen some people play off dates one-vs-another purely to
impress their boss at a professional career. No Kidding. It’s amazing just
how much people can be out to date as an accessory item to their car or
height ticket home value in a costly suburb.
Social Manners
There are also those who are simply lacking in social graces and a lack of
frequency in attending social events. These could be easily fixed. I've
had people attend my seminars who seem well intended to meet a partner but
are living at a suburb half of the city knows is a tourist destination
rather than being in the close hum of the city life.
Playing It Safe?
As such, they say "It’s too unsafe to go out at night, I think I'll stay
at home instead" - guess what? That leads to ISOLATION and when you are
cut off from the world, you can tend to be too judgmental of it and
critical of getting back into it. The criticism is a way to "justify" your
reasons (or excuses) for not being involved.
I should know, I was once there myself a few years ago. I had every excuse
known to man for not being in a social environment. Lucky for me a close
female friend pointed it out to me and corrected me of such a folly.
Self-confidence is in our hands. We can if we desire, change our
circumstances. We can lift our game as it were and reset the internal view
point about our world around us.
Some Helpful Ideas:
1. Join a public speaking club like Toastmasters Club in your area.
2. Join a social dinner group and regularly get along to dinners.
www.thesydneygourmetclub.com
3. Put in your diary one or more events to attend and do those events,
weather you "feel up to it or not". Don't give in to excuses for lack of
action. Be a follow thru person and get out of your house.
www.panache-singles.net
4. Take part in local activities. I.E. Look at your local CAE or TAFE
courses in your local area. Take a part time course to which you need to
attend regularly.
5. Go to a café at least once a week and talk with the people who sit near
you at the café. Make friends with people you meet on the train.
www.sydneywalking.com/The_Best_Cafes_In_Sydney_Where_Are_They.html
(PS would you believe that I write a lot of these newsletters and
e-courses while sitting in a café? - plus I make new friends while doing
so, as people often ask what I'm writing :o) I practice all that I preach
as the saying goes.
Start Now
You see you might need to force yourself at the beginning to get out and
get going. I know it may not be easy. But it gets easier. As time goes by,
you'll see that "a little routine social activity" can help you to gain
leaps and bounds of self confidence while having fun meeting new friends
in the process. .
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